Facing the Music

 One of my biggest challenges with playing the flute is actually playing a duet with my teacher. I get stage fright. I had forgotten that when I would play a piece in church many years ago, I would be plagued by stage fright. I find it frustrating, but interesting at the same time. One would think that being two decades older would make a difference - that somehow age would have alleviated the fear. So far, this has not been the case. My spiritual director reminded me to befriend that fear because struggling with it does not work.

 During the pandemic, I picked up a book from one of our Little Free Libraries entitled The Best Buddhist Writing 2004, edited by Melvin McLeod. Some of the essays are quite good. Last week, I picked up the book thinking it was time to return the book to one of the libraries. Of course, I had to peruse it "just one more time". As I did so, I found a couple more interesting essays, so yes, I still have the book. 

Yet, I am glad I did keep it because one of the essays, written by David Guy, deals with stage fright. His fear was public speaking. Because he is a writer who is often called to read from his work, he eventually took a class to help him overcome his debilitating fear. The teacher advised her students that we first experience fear deep in our belly. We then begin to tighten. That tightening is so automatic we may not be aware of it. Then the tightening moves up the body until it reaches the diaphragm. Then our lungs become constricted, and panic takes hold because we are struggling to breathe. Sound unpleasant? I can assure you it is.  

Eventually the author learned to accept his fear as soon as it began to happen. He learned to stay with it, rather than fantasizing about running away from the moment. This is what I believe my spiritual director means by befriending the fear.  The author quotes one of his Zen teachers, Ed Brown, who said, "The more deeply you can feel fear, the easier it will be to handle."

 David Guy ends his essay beautifully by writing, "Being free of fear is not a matter of never feeling it, but not being flattened when we do. We can feel it and know it is a natural phenomenon, also an impermanent one, which will have its say and be gone." 

I take from this that fear will always be with me, but if I can calmly stay aware, I can use the energy. However, I can use the energy only if I feel it as soon as it shows up. This has me thinking about the angels in the biblical texts who would often begin with the greeting, "Be not afraid!" and then they would begin to speak of the good news that they were bringing. The good news in all of this is that fear can energize us and make us stronger. Perhaps fear really is an angel in disguise, letting us know that we do not need to face the music alone.

 

   

"Do not forget to show hospitality... for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it."

Hebrews 13:2  

     

   

The image is a photograph of a drawing I did a few years ago.