Deciding to Decide

I have decided to retire.   No, not right away, but I feel the need to get that phrase out in public. There are several reasons.  Tyler and I just signed papers to refinance the last fifteen years of our mortgage.  This occurred just as I was recovering from a staph infection that was successfully treated with an antibiotic.  However, that successful treatment ultimately left me feeling awful.  And that awfulness stayed with me for awhile.  I feel fine now, but I was reminded that I do not get over these things quite as quickly as I once did.  I also am aware that someday, driving up and down Interstate 880 and winding my way across bridges may not be what I should be doing, and I certainly do not want to figure this this out after a colossal lapse of memory or attention.   I also know that someday there will be someone who will more ably and more energetically do the ministry I am doing.  There is no need for me to hang on until my last breath.  Even Jesus told his disciples that he knew he needed to get out of the way.       

 

I think what really encourages me to boldly state this is that I have just listened to a compelling 4 cd audio book entitled, All Is Grace by Brennan  Manning.  I first learned of Brennan Manning in a recent Facebook post by Dianna Butler Bass that mentioned his passing.  I had never heard of him or his writings.  I am not even sure why I decided to start with his memoir.    

 The book has stayed with me for days now, and I feel I need to pick up a paperback copy as well as read more of his work.  The writing is honest and deeply touching.  His life was far from idyllic, and bouts with alcoholism contributed to serious health concerns in his later life.  Yet, his writing of his elder years (a very small section of the book) is I think what I find most riveting.  Even when writing of his last speaking engagement when he finds himself standing in front of an audience with no memory of what he came to say, his absolute conviction that the God he called Abba never once stopped loving him does not fail him.  Yes, he experienced considerable shortfalls, backsliding, and plain old mistakes.  Yes, in his last years he needed help with just about every task, however simple.  Yet, always, his Abba was there offering more than enough grace and mercy to get him through the days and nights with love.      

  

I often witness this sort of deep, almost unbelievable faith in my ministry among those in long-term care communities, and I am convinced that neither illness nor poverty nor drastic errors can keep us from God's love.  So, I want at least 15 minutes of retirement before I need to go into long term care.  I have no illusions about retiring to play golf or tennis.  I don't do those things now, so I suspect they will not have much appeal to me then.    Perhaps like Brennan Manning, I simply want to take the time to reflect on this life that often is less than stellar, but one dedicated to expressing the love that I know is real.   

 

I cannot conclude with a quote from the book, but quotes are easy enough to find in a Google search.  I leave you with this one for now.  It is time to do some laundry. I may have decided to retire, but there are still about 15 or so years left to go. I might as well try to look like I am paying attention.  Dear Mozelle reminded me of this yesterday.  She had just come from the hair dresser, and looked beautiful. When I mentioned that to her, she replied, "Oh, thank you, darling. Yes, they try to keep me clean here.  That really is quite important." 

 

 I'll try.  

    

   

“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” 
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging